Sailing To The Bottom Of The Pit
by Phearo
Summary: An idiot far too knowledgeable(and slightly too psychotic) falls into the world of Halkegenia under the guise of a certain seafaring Servant. What can possibly go wrong?


A/N: Don't have any expectations for this. This is absolute trash written for my own amusement. Also ripped off of MSG. You have been warned.

* * *

Sailing To The Bottom Of The Pit

The whole floor was flushed with colors and sounds- a disarrayed symphony of chatter between each of the thousands of folks that attended the annual event that pretty much celebrated _geek culture _in general. Well, the more socially accepted parts of it, anyways. Almost all of the people I've come across as I'm walking around had either got me giddy at seeing the character they represented, or drop my jaw as how good they looked in reality- sometimes things are just better when you see them in person rather than in a Youtube video, you know? The others were doing the same to me, which I hardly felt comfortable about. Talk about double standards.

"Tell me again.."

Then again, even with everything here in this convention to amaze me, I just couldn't let it sink in. Maybe, in a better circumstance, I would, but now, well, let's just say I'm having other problems.

"Why am _I_ wearing this?"

I point to myself, quite saddened, really. This was supposed to be my first visit too. I wanted it to be memorable- but not this kind of way!

"B-but you have the face! The height! The body type! We just needed to fix you up!"

The glorious -temporarily- blue-haired fop had tried desperately to prove his point, but with incredible certainty I can say that it will only fall into deaf ears. I say that, for the moment that I had pointed to myself I may have underestimate the fluff he had supplied graciously, as I, being the 'naive' young, strapping man as I am, had been so used to my less emphasized body that I didn't bother changing the distance. Long story short, I was now touching my fake breast. Which I will not remove. Think I'll give you amusement by taking it away in embarrassment? Hah! Think again, chump!

"Besides, didn't I already pay you with like.. Disgaea D2?"

Not really going to say that previous line out loud. Dude's still cool.

I want to punch him at least once, though.

"But seriously, why couldn't I just be Gilgamesh, why the GB'd Francis Drake, of all people?" Do you have a fetish for this kind of thing, dude?

"Well, I'm Shinji right now, so unless you want to be the _other, more scantily-clad Rider..._" The wig-wearing bastard just gave a smug smile as his voice tapers off into silence. You dastardly bastard, I wish you were mustard, so I can squish you real hard. Though gotta give him props because that's exactly what I felt when I was reading the real thing's (hint: fake, fictional shinji, interestingly those who portray it in reality are called fakes, but the real thing's a work of fiction?) lines.

"Doesn't Gil and Shinji have some sort of significance with one another, too?"

"Eh, I dunno how to make fake hearts. 'Sides, this is better on the eyes. You can't handle being a pretty boy." Waving my major problems away so dismissively like that, how dare you. I don't want to be known as some crossdressing man, y'know? I have weird standards, and this one does not make the cut.

"You know what? I give up." Hunched back I sigh in exasperation. How many years has passed and I still can't handle this guy. Why are we even friends, again?

"Sweet!" He clasped his hands together, showing his toothy grin again. "Then I'll meet you up later, there's a panel I've got to go visit- gottagobye!"

"Wait-wha-hey!"

All at once, the other half of our total package was bestowed onto me, giving me the blessing of weight and rope imprints to clutter with the creases of palm, as I go forth on my mission to spread word of that man's ire and to buy a couple of knick-knacks for myself (Surprisingly, most of the bulk we both acquired were requests from people who knew of our trip. They all wanted it signed, too.)

Pfft.

"Whatever."

I'll go back to the hotel room, I've had enough for today. Doing a 180 turn to face the direction of the exit, it was then that I was the catalyst for a sign of things to come. Directly in front of yours truly lay a distinctively 2D object- which is an outstanding phenomena in itself; reality has alot more dimensions than width and height, duh- a greenish oval that seemed to just be content with hovering right there. Like old-retro fps games, it followed wherever direction I looked at it from like some sort of sprite.

Hey, wait a second, this looks familiar.

"Excuse me, sir, do you think there's something particular around.. Over there?" I pointed the direction of the flying curiousity to the newly-acquired stranger that dared walk past me.

"Uh... No?" Poor sap seemed confused, so I let him go with a thanks and head back to the issue at hand.

Well, that definitely tells it. I'm pretty sure what this thing is, now.

A portal. Dunno why it's here. By that I dunno how it even _existed_ in the first place. Eh, I've been known to possess a frightening amount of skill points dumped into expanding my SoD meter, so I can't even find myself caring in the first place.

I'll just skirt around it, maybe it'll go to Japan and kidnap a random Saito on the streeeeee-

Just like that, the portal suddenly pulled, engulfing me as I parted from the belongings that was once mine and my friend's. Stupid portals. They really suck if you're on the other end.

Uh, no pun intended.

* * *

It was spring time within the kingdom of Tristain, and also, coincidentally, the time where the 2nd year students of it's respected magic academy perform their school's annual tradition to summon forth a variety of monsters and bound them to become their familiars, serving them for, hopefully, the entirety of the caster's lifetime.

Colbert had to admit that the present batch at the academy is doing well for themselves, managing to quickly run down the line with successful summons after successful summons. Well, that is, save for one. One who is currently trying her third attempting in casting the spell- this time with a much larger explosion than the others.

Colbert subconsciously tightened the grip on his staff. No, not because of the explosion- he had seen far too many of those to ever be surprised by Louise's death-sowing failures, but the aura that came from within the visually depraving cloud of smoke that replaced the pristine circle of tradition summoning spell.

* * *

Her eyes were stinging, her breathing hard, but all these complaints died down before it would be able to reach the outside of the confines of her inner thoughts. The barrier of disappointment had struck true to its cause- for her the rapidly expanding aftermath of the explosion was only another sign of her catastrophic failures- and may have been the last of the many that has piled during the years, for it as the last straw the academy will accept until their hand is forced to expel her from school; what good is there for a woman to learn the ways of magic if she had no ability in the first place?

However such thoughts ceased plaguing her mind not even before a moment passed- as within the result of destruction there was a figure obscured by the smoke; a figure which possessed an aura of danger that she herself couldn't stop the wand she raised from trembling from fear.

The cloud of unruly gas finally dissipated, leaving the figure bare to witness for all who came. She was tall, though not in compared to the other familiars some of the student body had received. Those didn't matter in anyway, for the frame of reference they had based it on wasn't the pack of unruly- but now tamed- animals that had come answer their beckons, but rather themselves, as the familiar that should have been an animal itself was someone belonging to their very race.

* * *

A human.

At least, that's what they thought she was. Maybe a Germanian? Redheads were pretty prominent in that part of the world, and her hair, which looked to be the same albeit blended with a nice, light hue blue seem to fit the description. She looked dangerous, though not in a way that the other 'germanian kin' had been: from the way she looks, the clothes she wore, her image left no doubt to 'her' identity- well; occupation.

"Louise summoned a _pirate!?_"

* * *

Well, this is interesting.

Her hair's just as pink as depicted. Actually, probably a bit more lighter- and also, a great deal less weird than I would've thought it looked. Maybe I'm already used to seeing women with odd hair colors? I mean, I did have a friend who dyed her hair electronic pink was, alot more vibrant shade than this one, but was still oddly fitting for her now that I think about it.

"(&*%$#^?"

Oh, right, that's one detail I've forgotten. Tristain didn't really have a language that was the same back home. Understandably, the protagonist in the original light novel did have some trouble with communication, however that was a problem short lived as the little pink spitfire in front of me right now blew up(metaphorically in her case) and blew _him _up(literally, in his case, ouch) so I would just stand around here like an idiot I'd get fix up sooner or later.

Where's the fun in that?

You see, I'm already here. The fact that the 'plot' of this dimension had irreversibly been changed with my appearance is fully present and acknowledged. I can't stick to the original formula because I, myself, am I unaccounted variable. So do what science does best; with the control sample present in my head; time to screw things up.

I walk towards the girl, briskly and confidently, to take a better look at her.

Wait, is.. she trembling? Hah! She really is! That's hilarious! I'm totally harmless, I wouldn't hurt a fly, well honestly that's because I can't catch them. I'd totally mutilate the bastards if they ever decide to have a moment of stupidity and land on my grubby mitts. Call me Jack the Fly-swatter: The Reaper of Annoying Insects. That doesn't make any sense.

Anyhoo, time for the bald-headed professor to make his appearance, so I turned my gaze to him to give the guy a little bit of screen time.

"I just have to check, you can't possibly understand me, correct?" Huh... Something feels off with my voice, somehow.

Tilt head in confusion. Did you know people in japan actually did that in some respect? Weird. Still that was all the confirmation that I need. Since words can't explain anything, maybe I should stick to the other, more flimsier way of conveying a message that human kind has been equipped with: Body language. Time to flex these lingual muscles!

"CAN'T-SPEAK-LANGUAGE"

Open and close your mouth like a dying fish, point to it and point to his mouth, and then point to your ear. So much pointing.

"WAND-SPELL-TRANSLATION?"

Point to his wand, point to me. I am in love with my hand right now. You couldn't possibly be more useful ever again. Maybe I should cut off it since it's outlived it's usefulness, . That's a terrible idea, I can still imagine plenty of ways for this partnership to work. Be grateful, hand, you've been given another chance. Oh, great master, thank you for your graciousness.

His head tilted again, letting the sunlight glimmer on his glorious polished scalp. My god, that baldness is terrifying. Should I call it "God Rays", or "Bald Rays"?

Point to his wand, point to _**my**_ mouth. If he still doesn't get it, I give up. I made it as clear as I could think of, I wouldn't know how to convey anything else.

Thankfully he smacked a fist in an open palm, understanding what I meant. He raised his wand at me and chanted a few words. Oh-ho-hoh, I can feel the magic working already!

"So, did it work?" He asked. Oh wow, his voice was totally not what I imagined would in English. Wait, what _was_ I imagining in the first place? Eh.

"Nice job, old man!"

I flashed him a thumps up.

"I'm not that old!"

* * *

Louise could only whimper in fear as the pirate drew ever nearer to her- looking at ther with fiercely focused eyes that glared death in their observation. There were some sort of recognition that flashed in those blue orbs; they knew more than they should, she instinctively thought, and she had felt that all of her being just became a matter weighed in a scale.

S-S-She was pretty sure she didn't do anything to this woman before, she didn't even know her until now! She's not rude as to forget people, or their appearance, especially someone with a scar on their face like that!

Weirdly enough, the woman whom the pinkette had thought to have been mocking her quietly curved her own lips in a small, lithe smile, before turning her gaze the professor behind the small child.

A few words were exchanged. Half of which she didn't understand. Afterwards, the woman started pointing things at random.

Professor Colbert seemed to understand what the lady was saying, and one spell cast later the woman appeared perfectly satisfied, giving the fire-affiliated mentor a jovial gesture.

"Nice job, old man!"

"I'm not that old!"

The ol- bald school teacher retorted immediately, a hand on his chest to further emphasize that he was talking about himself- like he didn't believe what was coming out of his mouth in the first place.

"Ahem." He cleared his throat to change the topic. "Ms. Valliere, if you will?"

What?

"Excuse me?"

Great confusion pushed to tilt the pinkette's head to the side.

"The ritual, please continue it."

Said confusion continued, bringing about a frown on her pretty little face this time. Only for a few moments, however, as what the teacher had been implying was finally recognized by her train of thought.

It couldn't be, right? He's asking to her to make a familiar out of that pirate? That's crazy!

"Professor Colbert, can't I please just summon another?" She pleaded.

"I know that it's strange... having to bound a human as a familiar," The man took a cautious glance to the side, finally getting his wits about him and out of the germanian(?)-like woman's flow.

"However, the summoning spell will not work again- unless the currently summoned being were to be.. uh, terminated."

Now, she realized his intentions, and gave an exasperated sigh.

'_You cannot kill this woman.'_

No matter the reason he had, she had to agree with this statement. Not that she wanted to kill the woman, she was... nice? To say the least?

"Louise, you will no other chances, save for this last one. Don't waste it."

He ended. If she fail to get a contract with a familliar her family would have no choice but to take her in, to teach her the ways of being a housewife.

'_Nothing but that.'_

For the pink-haired condensed package of fury and pride this was an unacceptable term. The prospect of having all her effort thrown away into the crashing waters as if they had never meant anything to begin with had stirred the boiling storm with the depths of the child's beating heart.

This was not something she could sacrifice for a mere stranger. And she will not.

"...Fine."

Louise steeled her resolve, bearing the scrutiny of those orbs as they weighed their entire weight against her own's.

"Kneel down, so I can begin the ritual."

The midget said, her 'noble-like' attitude returning for its slight relapse.

* * *

So, this is it. The turning point that I've seen so, so many times. Reject or accept? Saying 'no' straight out will give me alot less trouble in the long run, but then again, the person in front of me is still a kid-okay, a teenager. A teenager bullied by everyone around here, and with a too-stubborn attitude that makes things worse for her every single time.

When I'm thinking about it that way now I'm actually starting to feel bad.

"Haaah."

Can't be helped, I'll just have to make this entertaining for me.

"Lassie," gotta use 'dem pirate words, lest they believe I was a fake- which I certainly am. "have you the slighest idea of who you're addressing? Tell me."

Under the thick layer of the red, embroided coat my hand slipped within. At my hip's side its adventuring palm had landed, and I could feel the cold touch my beloved's wooden handle. Then I realized that I called a gun my beloved and made a very sexual innuendo with no one around to hear it 'sides my head.

I also had realized that I had a gun.

I don't think I ever had a gun. Seeing that she hadn't spoken up yet, I raise my arm in a dramatic fashion before shad been given an opportunity to steal my thunder.

"'_No' _is the answer, my dear. So let me do the honors and clarify my identity:"

I push the gun's barrel at the middle of her forehead, the world at this time had progressed to the point where guns like the mine existed, yet not common place.

Time to BS my way to success.

"I am the Servant of the Mount. The Left Hand of God. Yada yada yada. Louise Francoise Le Blanc de la Valliere-"

Click- the gun has been cocked, ready to fire in a moment's notice.

"-Are you worthy to be my master?"

* * *

A/N2: There is a high possibility that this will not have another chapter.


End file.
